If only…

we could write contract language like this!

One of my colleagues at school wrote this so I could get a laugh.  She is the band director and extremely bright and clever.  I shared it with my bargaining buddies and now I’ll share it with you.

Proposal for Teacher Contract – Verbal Abuse

Any teacher subjected to verbal abuse by a student will be compensated as shown on the schedule below.  This will include being called these words, or having to listen to them used in the workplace.  In any situation where the student is a repeat offender, the compensation will be multiplied by the number of total teachers that student has abused within the school year.
Stewards will keep records of teacher abuse that will be used in calculations.

Compensation to be paid at the end of each year, after the number of abused teachers is known for multiplying purposes.  Administrators concerned with limiting budget liability may wish to arrange on-line homeschooling for such offenders.

Compensation for Vocabulary Abuse, each instance
(word combinations to be added together; see below)

$100 words
“a–hole”
“c-ck”
“sh-t”

$250 words
“b-tch”
“c-cksucker” or “c-cksucking”
“c-nt”
“f–k” or “f–king”
“motherf—er” or “motherf—ing”

addition of any racial identifier, gender slur, or sexual preference slur to any of the terms above $100

Compensation Math for Popular Combinations

example: “F–king B—ch” = 250+ 250 = $500
example: “c-cksucking motherf–ker” = 250 + 250 = $500
example: “F–king White B—ch” = 250+ 100 + 250 = $600

Alternative Tenure Program

Upon being called “F—ing White B–ch” or “C—sucking Motherf—er”, probationary teachers will automatically receive tenure AND a district sweatshirt.

Tenured teachers will be bumped up the salary scale one step for each three abuses directed at them, AND receive a district window-cling decal.

If they run out of steps, inservice credits on vocabulary development will be furnished to advance them to the next lane.  If they run out of lanes, the district will pay for them to take early retirement.

Thank you for considering this proposal.

Hopefully you’re laughing at this.  But at the same time, there is quite a bit of truth to it.  We don’t get compensated for verbal abuse.  But if we did, I wonder if there would be more of an effort to deal with the poor language and ultimately, the verbal abuse that actually does take place.

Thank you AMP for laugh and writing such an entertaining proposal!

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2 Responses to “If only…”

  1. dkzody Says:

    Unfortunately not laughing. It is a good idea and should be put in place immediately!

  2. Margaret Says:

    Oh my gosh! It’s funny and sad. AMP sure is clever.
    I was called a ‘nigger cunt bastard’ (TWICE) a few weeks ago. Anyone who knows me would realize that 2 of those 3 words don’t even apply to me. Oh well. I assume I’d get paid double since the kid repeated it, right?? I could be rolling in dough this year!!


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