Dating Service Stalkers

Message on my machine today:

Hi Lori.  This is Tiffany.  I’m just calling to make sure you got my invitation.  Call me at …

I listened to the number and started running through the list in my head of people that I know that are getting married or having babies.  Was I supposed to RSVP to someone about a shower?

After awhile, I picked up my phone and looked at the caller ID.  When I saw the number, the pieces fell into place.  It was the dating service.  No doubt, they’re calling because they have some wonderful client and thought I would be a perfect match.  Eye roll.

The thing that bothers me about this call is that they’re acting like they sent me some invitation when they didn’t.  If you have to lie to get someone to call you, something isn’t quite right.  We’ll see how many times they call back and what lines they feed me this time.  It’s always good for a little laugh.

The Service

I haven’t written about dating in awhile.  There hasn’t been anything to write about anyway.  I haven’t actually been thinking about dating.  I’ve been too busy.  But yesterday I got a phone call.  It was the service.

It has been at least six months since I finished the service.  If you recall, I was quite happy to be done with it.  By the end it was just a game to see how cheap I could get each date.  The more dates, the more to average out the cost.

So I was surprised to get a call from one of their matchmaker ladies.  Guess what?!?  They’ve got a deal for me!  I already would get $200 off because I’m a former client.  But, here’s the kicker, they’re adding on an additional 6 months for free!  I could hardly stand doing 6 months straight of it.  I took a 6 month break in the middle of my year long contract.  I’m sure that they think they’ll find you a match before you get through 18 months.  But as someone who has already been through 20 men of theirs, I’m not so confident in their abilities.  Oh and apparently they have triple the number of clients that they had back when I was a client.  Really?  That doesn’t mean much when you don’t know the actual number.  So I politely declined.  Plus, if I’m going to spend that kind of money, I’m going to take a nice vacation or put a down payment on a car.  Those are at least guaranteed.

After I talked to the matchmaker lady I called my friend who actually got matched by them on her first date.  I talked to her husband since she was taking a nap.  Her husband had about 8 or 9 dates with the service before he met my friend.  I told him all about my phone call and what it now costs to do the service.  Of course, if you do meet someone and it works, the price doesn’t matter.  But the husband had an interesting comment about what it’s like to go on all of these dates.  “Pleasant but empty.” I couldn’t agree more.  He perfectly described how I’ve felt after these dates.

As of now, I don’t have a plan about dating in 2009.  I really don’t want to think about it.  So I guess I’m not…

Aarghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t want to assume that the former student was asking me out.  I’m not really into assuming that ANY guy is asking me out.  So I proceeded in teacher mode to try to get to the bottom of it.

I returned the email and said that I was super busy with a variety of things and asked, “Is there anything in particular that you need?”

What comes back to me?

Sounds like you really have your hands full, but maybe sometime when your not so busy you’d like to have dinner or grab some coffee, whatever you like is fine with me.

Aarghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess it’s time to be very direct.

Man Candy

The dating service called me today. It was the “director.” She’s the one that is actually picking out the dudes for me.

Matchmaker Lady: I just wanted to follow up with you after your last match. I’m sorry that Mike wasn’t a fit for you. But I want you to know that we’ve gotten really good feedback on you. So whatever it is you’re doing, whether it’s meeting people on your own or through us, keep it up. I’m actually calling because we’ve been interviewing some great prospects and I’ve thought of you on several occasions. I really want you to meet someone that you can spend your life with. As a director I can give you a special offer on another year with our service. Can I tell you about these matches?

Me: Uh… Sure…

I wait on hold and tell myself that I’m NOT going to do this no matter what these guys sound like. She comes back and proceeds to tell me about three men that sound better than any of the ones they’ve set me up with in months! Here it is… this man candy, being dangled in front of my face. If it weren’t such a huge sum of money, I might entertain the idea. But it’s just too much to fork out after twenty dates and only three being close to the target. There are way too many strike outs for me to be very confident in their abilities to find a match for me.

I told the matchmaker lady that at this point I needed a break. And with the way the economy is and the fact that I won’t be seeing a paycheck for a few months, now is not the time for me to continue. I had already concluded that I was going to try it on my own for awhile and try to meet people the “normal” way. Being alone is not as dire as they make it sound. I suppose for some it might be miserable. Bummer for them…

The Catalog

I’m done with the dating service! It kind of sucks that I met 20 men and nothing panned out. But then again, I’m completely fine with it. Right now I really don’t care. I think it’s still a tough way to meet people. You do have an opportunity to talk for an hour or longer. But you have to make the decision of whether or not you’d want to see them again in a relatively short period of time. That’s tough. Plus, it feels rather unnatural. They advertise that there’s no pressure. But I don’t think that’s true. A date is always a pressure packed situation.

If I could share some advice, I’d tell people to avoid the question about how long you’ve been using the service and what you think about it. From my experience, that’s an indicator that the date won’t go any further. If you’re really interested in the person, you’ll have enough to talk about and won’t have to resort to that one thing you have in common.

#20B had only been doing the service for a few months and had only been on a “handful” of dates. He probably hasn’t figured out that one yet. I don’t think I figured it out for awhile. Tonight, it was one of the first things that he asked me. Was I a turn off that quick? Maybe. We did talk for an hour and a half and he paid for my drink – which is not normally the way it works.

So what was my answer to the question? I certainly wasn’t going to say that he was my twentieth date and my last one. And I did leave out the part that I was having a mini celebration that it was over! So you wonder how I could have gone through that many? Here’s a summary of my 20 dates.

1. Chad – nice, but would fall into the “buddy” category. I was glad when he showed up, because some drunk guy at the bar was hitting on me while I was sitting there waiting.

2. Brad – great. Went out again, but I could tell he wouldn’t be calling me back. Maybe he could tell that I wasn’t a dog person when I met his.

3. Al – the A-hole. The worst date of all. He’s an ER doctor. I wish I knew where, because I’d avoid it like the plague. I felt like the service owed me an apology for that one.

4. Kevin – total sweetie of a guy – but must have gotten hit by a truck because he never called or emailed me back.

5. Aaron – fresh off of an office romance break up. And a Republican.

6. Craig – What were they thinking? I knew as I sat down that it would be a long night. I learned to trust my gut instincts on this date and how to avoid giving my contact info. Also – missing a finger. Once you notice it, it’s hard to not keep looking.

7. Callan – too much baggage. Had gone through major addiction and recovery. Needs another addict for a mate so they have that in common. (my opinion)

8. Eric – so uneventful that I hardly remember him.

9. Dan – happened to go to my high school, but the other campus. Nice but he started dating someone else at the time. Plus, I wasn’t super interested anyway. Lately I’ve seen his profile up on an internet site – so obviously it didn’t work for him either.

10. Dan (different one) – I learned about the pharmaceutical industry from a chemists standpoint. I could have fallen asleep while he talked about his job.

Here’s the point where I took a 6 month break. I started back up in October of 2007.

11. Tim – nothing special. On my way home I stopped and ate at a sushi bar by myself.

12. Lalit – interesting to talk to, but very different culturally.

13. Mike – funny guy, but not much in common with me. He thought I was great because I was his first date that didn’t ask him for a deal on a plasma TV. (He worked for a major electronics company.)

14. Greg – another teacher. Easy to talk to, but he had knee problems and had trouble walking. I’m not saying I’m in fantastic shape, but he wouldn’t be able to keep up with me on the simplest of hikes.

15. Ray – nice guy and interesting. Persistent. I figured out that Indian men (East not Native) just don’t do it for me. Plus, it’s really hard to have a phone conversation because you’re missing the visual cues.

16. Dennis – interesting, but had the unfortunate political conversation. Plus we ran into one of my least favorite people. I went through the Taco Bell drive-thru on my way home.

17. Tim – was so busy that it took a month to line up the date. Not worth the wait.

18. Paul – nice. Answered all of my questions with a short, “yes.” Lots of work to talk with this one. I met him for coffee another time to see if he was just nervous. Nope. Just another socially awkward engineer. He sent me the strangest email ever and I’m pretending it got lost in spam. Apparently that strategy is working for me.

19. Jeff – I’d rank him in the top three of the twenty. But he obviously wasn’t interested in me. “It was nice meeting you – I’m parked around the corner.” And off he went in a flash…

20B. Mike – interesting to talk to. I learned about Real Estate. Has joint custody of the dogs with his ex. Hmm… I think he was looking for someone flashier - if you know what I mean.

I don’t think I’d do it all over again. But I wouldn’t necessarily trade the experience. I did learn a lot about myself while doing this. But after twenty of them, I just don’t want to think about it anymore.

Must Like Dogs?

Apparently #20 A is not available anymore. I was wondering what was going on since I hadn’t heard from the service about when to meet #20. They called with the news and then proceeded to tell me about the new dude. (They tell me info about my new “match.” I know better and refer to him as just a dude.)

I think they just want to get rid of me. I bet they feel that way with a lot of people that they don’t have any luck with. I say luck because that’s what I think it is. Frankly, #20A sounds better than replacement #20B. #20B is 36, 5′10″, brown eyes, black hair, divorced, no kids, works in Real Estate, has the usual similar interests and has two dogs. When some people hear this they say in that cutesy way, “Oh, he has dogs!” Then they proceed to tell me of all of the qualities that you can extract because he’s a dog owner.

I think I was bit by a dog when I was little. Or at least I had some dog scare me real good. I’m just not a dog person. I have some friends and family with dogs. The dogs I know, I like. The ones that jump on you and smell your crotch? Not so much. So you know how people classify themselves as a dog person or a cat person? Since I’m used to cats, I consider myself a cat person. I don’t know if I would become a dog person. It probably would depend on the dog. Now, this one looks pretty darned cute.

Sharkey takes some pretty awesome photos. She takes photos for a pet rescue organization and this is one of them. This is a dog that is like her Maggie. When I saw this photo, I actually thought about getting a dog. For a second. Then I came back to reality really quick. I’ve thought about getting a cat too. But that might put a damper on my travels. So, I guess I’ll stay in the no pet zone.

The funny thing is that a co-worker of mine suggested on Friday that I get a dog in order to meet men. Then the discussion evolved into what kind of man you’d attract if you had a Lab vs. a Toy Poodle. We quickly decided that if I was going to go that route I’d need to borrow a dog. But then again, you’d meet another dog lover…

So, I’m going with the original plan. I’m not going to think about it. I’ll meet #20B and have the usual nice conversation, etc. Odds are that I won’t ever need to meet the dogs. My contract will be up (Woo Hoo!!!) with the service. I’ll just keep doing things I like and having fun on my own.

#20

I’ve been using a dating service lately. The idea is that they set you up with someone they think will be compatible with you. They do all the work. They screen the candidates, do background checks, set up the date, etc. All you have to do is show up and have a friendly conversation with the date over drinks, lunch or dinner.

My contract is up with #20. I was guaranteed 15 dates or however many they could fit in a year. I did go on hold for about 6 months, which included last summer. I can only handle the dating thing for so long until I need a break. So in the first 6 months I had 10 dates and the second 6 months I had 10 more. With how much this service costs, it weeds out a lot of people. You also know that they are indeed single. With many on-line services, you can’t be guaranteed they’re telling the truth or representing themselves truthfully.

I’ve tried two online services. On yahoo.com personals, I had good luck and met a nice man. It didn’t work, but we parted ways and remain friends. The other, I didn’t meet anyone that I met for more than a few dates. That one I even had a strange situation where one of the guys’ ex-girlfriends was hacking into his account and sending his interests strange emails warning us about the guy. These messages were sent from a guy interested in dating men. Later I saw that the profile had been changed to a woman’s profile. Even though I reported the problem to match.com they didn’t do anything about it. So I’m a bit soured on them. After these experiences I decided to try the big bucks dating service. After all, I have a friend who used this service and she’s marrying the guy that they matched her up on her first date! They’re a perfect match. So it obviously works for someone!

One thing that creeps me out about these on line sites is that you can see who is looking at your profile. I’m sure that I’ll sound shallow… but many times, it is old, creepy looking, overweight men, that are separated. I’m sorry, but if you can’t keep up with me hiking the Inca Trail, we’re probably not a match. Plus, I have a thing with age. Some people say that love has no age limits. C’mon! I don’t want to date my father! Ick. Plus, as a teacher, the idea of dating someone young enough to be a student of mine at some point (which means 8 years younger, given I started teaching when I was 26) is just plain something that I can’t handle. Blech…

Most of the men that are on these sites that are my age are not interested in dating women their own age. They want women that are younger than them. It doesn’t help that Hollywood perpetuates the idea that men that are maybe a 5 or 6 think that they can get a woman that is a 9 or 10. Look at how many sit-coms have the guy with the skinny, hot, wife, when the guy is not anywhere close to that. Oh yeah… It must be their personality. Once again, I’m sure I sound like I’m completely shallow.

At the end of my year long experiment (that has really lasted a year and a half) I am not anywhere closer to finding someone special. Maybe that’s ok. I have learned that I’m pretty awesome by myself. What else have I learned?

1. I can talk to anyone about anything, no matter how uncomfortable the situation.

2. No matter how good he sounds, it’s always a crap shoot.

3. A lot of people are afraid to ask people out/introduce themselves and therefore use services like this.

4. There are a lot of socially awkward people out there.

5. There’s a reason why many of them are still single. (Of course, that could be said about me, too.)

6. I think a lot of people are looking to be with anyone, instead of a particular someone.

7. I’m now good at breaking things off. I should publish my standard “dump” email in another post.

8. I know in my gut if there’s a chance or not that things will go further.

9. You have to be picky. This is the rest of your life!

10. My single life is pretty damned good!

I haven’t actually met #20 yet. As usual, he sounds good. He’s 43, 6′1″, brown hair, blue eyes, never married, no kids, works in bonds/investments downtown, comes from a family of five and has similar interests as me. Since I’ve been on so many of these, my expectation level is in the gutter. He’s probably a Republican, given that he works in bonds/investments. You know that’s not good if you’ve read some of my other posts…

So what am I going to do? I’ll meet him and see how it goes. I’ll give him a fair chance. But I really think that I just need to move on and not think about it. I’ve got so much other cool stuff going on in my life. Heck! I’m learning how to Belly Dance! How cool is that?!? I’m going to Greece this summer! I still have to investigate what me and my friend are going to do on Crete before we we hop on a sailboat from Santorini to Mykonos for a week. My sister is having a baby in a month! I’m going to fall in love with another niece or nephew all over again. Life is too short to worry about trivial stuff like dating. I would rather be happy by myself than miserable with another person! And I really mean it!

Weird Handshake…

Ok… So I was out on one of my dating service dates tonight. We met at a restaurant that has been around for 75 years. It’s one of those established places where they have a particular clientele. The date and I were sitting in a booth with our drinks, and who comes in? The Governor. He’s a Republican and is big time stumping for McCain these days. If you read my Bad TV post, you know that I am on the other end of the political spectrum.

Me and the date are talking and over comes the Gov. He reaches out his hand to shake both of ours and ask “how are you doing tonight?”, etc. It was weird. There really is NOTHING different about my hand. But it feels weird now that it shook the hand of a man that I really don’t care for.

I’m always one of those people that thinks of my lines after the moment has passed. I should have whipped out my business card and invited him to my classroom to see what it’s really like in a city school. I would have loved to tell him that the idea of having all 8th graders learn Algebra 1 is crazy and developmentally inappropriate. The way he has short-funded education so that districts have to go begging their taxpayers to pass referendums is another added pressure that school districts don’t need. Don’t you realize that you’re short changing the future?

Well… I smiled politely and said hello. So much for any bravado that I thought I had in me. But at least now, I’ve thought about it in case it ever happens again.

I bet this story makes my dad’s blood pressure go up…

Solo

There are lots of perks to being single. I remind myself of these perks on a regular basis. What are they? Hmm… Let’s see… Not in any particular order…

1. I make my own decisions. No one tells me what to do.

2. I can sprawl out on my bed like a snow angel.

3. I can press the snooze button as many times as I want.

4. If there’s a mess, it’s mine.

5. No reporting, asking for permission, asking for forgiveness, etc.

6. I can dance, skip, scream, talk to myself (at home) and no one thinks I’m crazy.

7. I’m free as a bird. I can take a trip for weeks as long as I get my neighbors to water my plants occasionally.

8. It’s my money and I can do with it what I please.

9. No negotiations.

10. Peace and quiet.

It’s helpful to make a list like this, even if it is somewhat of a joke. The thing is, I’ve been on lots of dates. Some were good. Lots were not. I’ve used a dating service, tried online, and been set up by friends. I’ve been on almost 20 first dates within the last year (and that’s with taking the summer off). I’ve probably treated dating like looking for a job. But frankly, looking for a job is way easier. Then again, I’ve gotten every job I’ve interviewed for.

There are a lot of people out there looking for someone special. I’m definitely included. But I think that there are a lot of people that get together because they’re looking for someone and sometimes anyone will do. One of the Grey’s Anatomy episodes this season had Meredith talking to a patient saying something like, “It’s better to be alone and feel like a success than be in a relationship and feel like a failure.”

Those are some wise words.