Dating Sites

Yes, I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine.  That’s what it usually takes for me to venture onto a dating site.  I think I’d like to date.  But I haven’t had one in several years.  Ok…  just filled up on glass #3 – Graffigna Malbec is the wine of choice tonight.

How do people meet up these days?  If you don’t do a dating site, how do you meet people?  I certainly don’t meet anyone at work.  My profession is primarily female and my “clients” are teenagers.

My logical self tells me that I’m quite a catch.  I’m financially independent, attractive, self-assured, intelligent, and have little to no baggage.  At the age of 41, what should I expect?

What are the prospects of finding a guy that doesn’t have kids by now?  In the past few years I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not having them.  I’m ok with that.  I get to be the totally cool, awesome aunt.  If the guy has kids, where exactly would I fit in?  They should be his top priority.  But where does that leave me?

I really have to wonder about the guys that are separated.  C’mon!  Get your shit together.  Get your divorce done with before you bring someone else into the equation.  If a dating site offers “separated” as a status they should come with some device that boots you out the minute you check it.  If you can’t handle being alone for the time it takes for your divorce to happen, you need to be a little more introspective.  Take the time.  Get over your past relationship before you jump into your next one.  I don’t want to be the girl that helps you get over the last one.  Been there, done that.

There’s usually a spot for your political beliefs.  What the hell do they believe if they check “non-partisan?”  How can you not have an opinion on what is happening in today’s political climate?  I know I’m breaking it down to very simplistic terms, but you are either for the rich getting richer or you’re for the underdog.  And I have very strong opinions on that one.  You cannot be living in this world and not have an opinion on politics.  Don’t be a chicken-shit and say “non-partisan.”

And what is the deal with age?  Overwhelmingly, when you look at the age preferences of men, they want to date a woman who is either their age or younger.  Very rarely do you see a man with an age range that includes women more than 5 years older than himself.  Since I look and feel younger than 41, I am again, screwed.

I realize that I probably am pretty particular in what I want.  But then again, you have to be when it comes to something like this.  I’m sure I sound completely cynical about this process.  But look at the reality.  I’m not a damsel in distress that needs to be rescued.  I’m a completely competent woman who is just looking for someone to share her life with.  It shouldn’t be this difficult.

You just never know…

what they’ll say…

I’m in my groove, standing up on my little plywood stage, smackin’ my math examples on my Promethean Board (sometimes you really have to smack that board to get the pen to work)…

do-da-do (musical tone that my computer makes to alert me to email)

A few of them look around.  The thought bubbles appear, “Whose phone made that noise?”

Me: My email must be open in another window.  It’s the computer.

Student (slyly shaking his head):  It’s your boyfriend.  Right?

Me (with an eye-roll speaking to said student): No…  I’m single.  It’s just an email.

Student (trying to capitalize on getting me off task and makes a combo statement/question):  But you’ve got a friend with benefits.

At this point I’m a bit stunned about what this student is saying and also wanting to laugh.  I realize that I walked right into that one.  The student has succeeded in getting me off task.  But the problem is, he doesn’t get it that his joke needs to stop.  It would have been nice if there was time and I could take him off to the side and explain that he’s inappropriate in his efforts to be funny and needs to learn when to stop.  But it didn’t work out that way and I had to send him out.

I have to chuckle at the whole thing.  If any of you have read about my dating experiences on here, you know that I’ve pretty much bombed out in that area.  I’m trying to remember my last date and I’ll admit that I can’t even think of it.  I bet the whole incident would have gone differently if I would have said, “yep, it’s probably him.”

(Your age/2) + 7

Several years ago I was chaperoning students during a winter camping trip.  Part of what makes these trips interesting is the interaction with the students.  There were only a handful of girls on this trip.  During some of the free time we would have some eye-opening conversations.  One conversation had to do with dating.

The parent of one of the girls was dating someone quite a bit younger.  So I asked what their definition was of being too young to date.  To my surprise, they gave me a mathematical equation: (your age/2) + 7.   I was quite impressed.  y= .5x + 7 seems like a pretty good equation to me, provided that x is greater than or equal to 15 or so.  Would that mean that the inverse is true for how much older one can date?  The inverse works out to: twice your age – 14.  If I work this out for my age, it means I can date in the range between 27 and 66.  When putting this in perspective, I have many former students in the range from 27 – 31.  Creepy.  Sixty-six would be just shy of my parents’ ages.  Even more creepy.

I kind of have a thing with age.  I know, people say that age is just a number.  Yeah, yeah.  But honestly, why would I date someone in their sixties?  What is the intention of someone in their sixties asking me out?  Even if it is just to chat, I’ll go hang out with my parents or aunts and uncles if I want to hang with that generation.

I know there are people who would disagree with me.  But we are not in an age where a woman is dependent on a man for her survival.  I don’t need another father figure.  I like the one I’ve got.

So what do you think is the appropriate equation?  I know a lot depends on the individual and if they’re young at heart or an old soul.  Right now, I’m thinking that your age plus or minus ten is a pretty good range.  From there, evaluate on a case by case basis.

Some People…

Every once in awhile I am struck by how truly stupid some people are. I had a situation happen on Monday and I still have no idea how to write about it. Part of me wonders if I should. I can’t even come up with the proper adjectives to describe just how bone-head this was…

Here goes…

There really is an art to social skills. Knowing how to read people, putting someone at ease, being able to carry on an interesting conversation, politeness, and very importantly, knowing the boundaries of appropriate and inappropriate conversation are skills that many do not possess. Like anything else, people run the gamut of the spectrum of abilities. I had an encounter with a new low.

Monday night I got a phone call. A friend had passed my number off to a single guy that her husband knew from work. I had agreed that it was ok for them to give this guy my number. So I at least knew this was coming.

After the intro, he says, “I hope it’s not too late to call.” What are you supposed to say to that when it’s almost 9pm? Technically, I suppose he just made it under the 9 o’clock wire. But honestly, yes, it is too late to call for a “get to know you” call.

We do the usual conversation about where you are from, family, holiday activities and then move on to the job questions. This guy is a project manager. I asked him about his current contract. He proceeds to tell me… now you should have the voice of the Charlie Brown teacher in your head. I make a mental note to never ask him any details about his job ever again.

Now it’s his turn to ask me about my job. I think the only thing he knew about me is that I’m a teacher. Where do you teach? What do you teach? After I say that I teach math, I get the standard response of whether or not the person listening likes math or not. This case – not. What does he ask me next? Before you go on, make sure you set any liquid down and can’t mess up your computer with your reaction to this one…

…

…

So… Have you ever had sex with a student?

I am not making this up.

I wish I were quick-witted and had snappy responses. It usually takes me a couple of days to come up with what I should have said. Have you shut your mouth yet? I know most of you just had your mouth open at that jaw-dropper.

I was so shocked that I didn’t know how to respond. I think I said something like, “Are you seriously asking me that?” To which he digs the hole even deeper and says something to the effect of, “Doesn’t it happen all the time? You see it on the news. Older woman, young guy….” and he keeps going about some news story that was just on, even though it had nothing to do with a teacher and it was an older man. Then he makes some reference to the one well-known case that was news years ago nowhere near here. I know that I said, “The idea of that is so appalling that I don’t even know what to say.” This doofus still didn’t understand that he should just shut the fuck up. I made my exit and said that I had had a long day and still needed to do some lesson planning for the next day and got off the phone.

After making a phone call to a different girlfriend and describing this unbelievably horrifying conversation I had to find something to do so I could calm down and try to go to sleep. So what am I doing to take my mind off of this? Calculating the variance and standard deviation for the homework problems for that day.

What this guy did is wrong on so many different levels. Even if he did think he was making a joke, it’s still inexcusable. It’s not something to ever joke about. And if he thinks it’s ok to make that kind of a joke, there is something very wrong with him.

My friend was extremely sorry that I had to endure that half hour conversation with a guy she had never met. Hey, I was just glad that it was only a phone call and I shouldn’t have to worry about ever meeting the guy. I must say, it has given me the most jaw-dropping story that I’ve told in a long time.

Some people…

Dating Service Stalkers

Message on my machine today:

Hi Lori.  This is Tiffany.  I’m just calling to make sure you got my invitation.  Call me at …

I listened to the number and started running through the list in my head of people that I know that are getting married or having babies.  Was I supposed to RSVP to someone about a shower?

After awhile, I picked up my phone and looked at the caller ID.  When I saw the number, the pieces fell into place.  It was the dating service.  No doubt, they’re calling because they have some wonderful client and thought I would be a perfect match.  Eye roll.

The thing that bothers me about this call is that they’re acting like they sent me some invitation when they didn’t.  If you have to lie to get someone to call you, something isn’t quite right.  We’ll see how many times they call back and what lines they feed me this time.  It’s always good for a little laugh.

The Service

I haven’t written about dating in awhile.  There hasn’t been anything to write about anyway.  I haven’t actually been thinking about dating.  I’ve been too busy.  But yesterday I got a phone call.  It was the service.

It has been at least six months since I finished the service.  If you recall, I was quite happy to be done with it.  By the end it was just a game to see how cheap I could get each date.  The more dates, the more to average out the cost.

So I was surprised to get a call from one of their matchmaker ladies.  Guess what?!?  They’ve got a deal for me!  I already would get $200 off because I’m a former client.  But, here’s the kicker, they’re adding on an additional 6 months for free!  I could hardly stand doing 6 months straight of it.  I took a 6 month break in the middle of my year long contract.  I’m sure that they think they’ll find you a match before you get through 18 months.  But as someone who has already been through 20 men of theirs, I’m not so confident in their abilities.  Oh and apparently they have triple the number of clients that they had back when I was a client.  Really?  That doesn’t mean much when you don’t know the actual number.  So I politely declined.  Plus, if I’m going to spend that kind of money, I’m going to take a nice vacation or put a down payment on a car.  Those are at least guaranteed.

After I talked to the matchmaker lady I called my friend who actually got matched by them on her first date.  I talked to her husband since she was taking a nap.  Her husband had about 8 or 9 dates with the service before he met my friend.  I told him all about my phone call and what it now costs to do the service.  Of course, if you do meet someone and it works, the price doesn’t matter.  But the husband had an interesting comment about what it’s like to go on all of these dates.  “Pleasant but empty.” I couldn’t agree more.  He perfectly described how I’ve felt after these dates.

As of now, I don’t have a plan about dating in 2009.  I really don’t want to think about it.  So I guess I’m not…

Aarghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t want to assume that the former student was asking me out.  I’m not really into assuming that ANY guy is asking me out.  So I proceeded in teacher mode to try to get to the bottom of it.

I returned the email and said that I was super busy with a variety of things and asked, “Is there anything in particular that you need?”

What comes back to me?

Sounds like you really have your hands full, but maybe sometime when your not so busy you’d like to have dinner or grab some coffee, whatever you like is fine with me.

Aarghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess it’s time to be very direct.

Man Candy

The dating service called me today. It was the “director.” She’s the one that is actually picking out the dudes for me.

Matchmaker Lady: I just wanted to follow up with you after your last match. I’m sorry that Mike wasn’t a fit for you. But I want you to know that we’ve gotten really good feedback on you. So whatever it is you’re doing, whether it’s meeting people on your own or through us, keep it up. I’m actually calling because we’ve been interviewing some great prospects and I’ve thought of you on several occasions. I really want you to meet someone that you can spend your life with. As a director I can give you a special offer on another year with our service. Can I tell you about these matches?

Me: Uh… Sure…

I wait on hold and tell myself that I’m NOT going to do this no matter what these guys sound like. She comes back and proceeds to tell me about three men that sound better than any of the ones they’ve set me up with in months! Here it is… this man candy, being dangled in front of my face. If it weren’t such a huge sum of money, I might entertain the idea. But it’s just too much to fork out after twenty dates and only three being close to the target. There are way too many strike outs for me to be very confident in their abilities to find a match for me.

I told the matchmaker lady that at this point I needed a break. And with the way the economy is and the fact that I won’t be seeing a paycheck for a few months, now is not the time for me to continue. I had already concluded that I was going to try it on my own for awhile and try to meet people the “normal” way. Being alone is not as dire as they make it sound. I suppose for some it might be miserable. Bummer for them…

The Catalog

I’m done with the dating service! It kind of sucks that I met 20 men and nothing panned out. But then again, I’m completely fine with it. Right now I really don’t care. I think it’s still a tough way to meet people. You do have an opportunity to talk for an hour or longer. But you have to make the decision of whether or not you’d want to see them again in a relatively short period of time. That’s tough. Plus, it feels rather unnatural. They advertise that there’s no pressure. But I don’t think that’s true. A date is always a pressure packed situation.

If I could share some advice, I’d tell people to avoid the question about how long you’ve been using the service and what you think about it. From my experience, that’s an indicator that the date won’t go any further. If you’re really interested in the person, you’ll have enough to talk about and won’t have to resort to that one thing you have in common.

#20B had only been doing the service for a few months and had only been on a “handful” of dates. He probably hasn’t figured out that one yet. I don’t think I figured it out for awhile. Tonight, it was one of the first things that he asked me. Was I a turn off that quick? Maybe. We did talk for an hour and a half and he paid for my drink – which is not normally the way it works.

So what was my answer to the question? I certainly wasn’t going to say that he was my twentieth date and my last one. And I did leave out the part that I was having a mini celebration that it was over! So you wonder how I could have gone through that many? Here’s a summary of my 20 dates.

1. Chad – nice, but would fall into the “buddy” category. I was glad when he showed up, because some drunk guy at the bar was hitting on me while I was sitting there waiting.

2. Brad – great. Went out again, but I could tell he wouldn’t be calling me back. Maybe he could tell that I wasn’t a dog person when I met his.

3. Al – the A-hole. The worst date of all. He’s an ER doctor. I wish I knew where, because I’d avoid it like the plague. I felt like the service owed me an apology for that one.

4. Kevin – total sweetie of a guy – but must have gotten hit by a truck because he never called or emailed me back.

5. Aaron – fresh off of an office romance break up. And a Republican.

6. Craig – What were they thinking? I knew as I sat down that it would be a long night. I learned to trust my gut instincts on this date and how to avoid giving my contact info. Also – missing a finger. Once you notice it, it’s hard to not keep looking.

7. Callan – too much baggage. Had gone through major addiction and recovery. Needs another addict for a mate so they have that in common. (my opinion)

8. Eric – so uneventful that I hardly remember him.

9. Dan – happened to go to my high school, but the other campus. Nice but he started dating someone else at the time. Plus, I wasn’t super interested anyway. Lately I’ve seen his profile up on an internet site – so obviously it didn’t work for him either.

10. Dan (different one) – I learned about the pharmaceutical industry from a chemists standpoint. I could have fallen asleep while he talked about his job.

Here’s the point where I took a 6 month break. I started back up in October of 2007.

11. Tim – nothing special. On my way home I stopped and ate at a sushi bar by myself.

12. Lalit – interesting to talk to, but very different culturally.

13. Mike – funny guy, but not much in common with me. He thought I was great because I was his first date that didn’t ask him for a deal on a plasma TV. (He worked for a major electronics company.)

14. Greg – another teacher. Easy to talk to, but he had knee problems and had trouble walking. I’m not saying I’m in fantastic shape, but he wouldn’t be able to keep up with me on the simplest of hikes.

15. Ray – nice guy and interesting. Persistent. I figured out that Indian men (East not Native) just don’t do it for me. Plus, it’s really hard to have a phone conversation because you’re missing the visual cues.

16. Dennis – interesting, but had the unfortunate political conversation. Plus we ran into one of my least favorite people. I went through the Taco Bell drive-thru on my way home.

17. Tim – was so busy that it took a month to line up the date. Not worth the wait.

18. Paul – nice. Answered all of my questions with a short, “yes.” Lots of work to talk with this one. I met him for coffee another time to see if he was just nervous. Nope. Just another socially awkward engineer. He sent me the strangest email ever and I’m pretending it got lost in spam. Apparently that strategy is working for me.

19. Jeff – I’d rank him in the top three of the twenty. But he obviously wasn’t interested in me. “It was nice meeting you – I’m parked around the corner.” And off he went in a flash…

20B. Mike – interesting to talk to. I learned about Real Estate. Has joint custody of the dogs with his ex. Hmm… I think he was looking for someone flashier - if you know what I mean.

I don’t think I’d do it all over again. But I wouldn’t necessarily trade the experience. I did learn a lot about myself while doing this. But after twenty of them, I just don’t want to think about it anymore.

Must Like Dogs?

Apparently #20 A is not available anymore. I was wondering what was going on since I hadn’t heard from the service about when to meet #20. They called with the news and then proceeded to tell me about the new dude. (They tell me info about my new “match.” I know better and refer to him as just a dude.)

I think they just want to get rid of me. I bet they feel that way with a lot of people that they don’t have any luck with. I say luck because that’s what I think it is. Frankly, #20A sounds better than replacement #20B. #20B is 36, 5’10″, brown eyes, black hair, divorced, no kids, works in Real Estate, has the usual similar interests and has two dogs. When some people hear this they say in that cutesy way, “Oh, he has dogs!” Then they proceed to tell me of all of the qualities that you can extract because he’s a dog owner.

I think I was bit by a dog when I was little. Or at least I had some dog scare me real good. I’m just not a dog person. I have some friends and family with dogs. The dogs I know, I like. The ones that jump on you and smell your crotch? Not so much. So you know how people classify themselves as a dog person or a cat person? Since I’m used to cats, I consider myself a cat person. I don’t know if I would become a dog person. It probably would depend on the dog. Now, this one looks pretty darned cute.

Sharkey takes some pretty awesome photos. She takes photos for a pet rescue organization and this is one of them. This is a dog that is like her Maggie. When I saw this photo, I actually thought about getting a dog. For a second. Then I came back to reality really quick. I’ve thought about getting a cat too. But that might put a damper on my travels. So, I guess I’ll stay in the no pet zone.

The funny thing is that a co-worker of mine suggested on Friday that I get a dog in order to meet men. Then the discussion evolved into what kind of man you’d attract if you had a Lab vs. a Toy Poodle. We quickly decided that if I was going to go that route I’d need to borrow a dog. But then again, you’d meet another dog lover…

So, I’m going with the original plan. I’m not going to think about it. I’ll meet #20B and have the usual nice conversation, etc. Odds are that I won’t ever need to meet the dogs. My contract will be up (Woo Hoo!!!) with the service. I’ll just keep doing things I like and having fun on my own.